A Breakdown

This is the most reasonable healthcare argument i've heard yet. Clear, concise and effective.

under pressure indeed, mr. mercury

i was at work. i was o my lunch break. and i was trying to summon the will to eat my sandwich. i was sitting alone at a table with my sandwich in a container when some coworkers walked in. when they sat down and started to eat, so did i. i didn't want to be the only one not eating, they may be suspect. so, i ate slowly until they were gone then i stopped.

i was about a half sandwich down when my company left and along with it the pressure to be normal and eat with folks.

On a side note, I started 1984 again.

here and gone

so, I felt like I had some extra weight around my midsection. now, it's gone (whether it was there or not.)

More recently, I've felt as though I'm documenting my relapse. From what i've heard it's a slippery slope, the road to recovery. And i couldn't shake this feeling that i was gaining weight. and maybe that's what recovery is about. And after 13months why did i not trust my psychologist?

All i need to do is get back to basics: count and eat my daily caloric intake. here's the problem with that. since i've already lost a few, i think i look good.

looking good feels good. and that's addictive. by no means unhealthy.

but, eh. what do i know.

The World Scale

To preface my sounding pretentious, I only recently started reading The Economist.

However, what I have found out is that my world view is completely skewed.

Why was I not taught how other nation's governments work in my junior government class? Sure, we learned about the supreme court and state circuits, but what about UK parliament? I'm sure any American with the "quality" education as I was given still feels inferior having a political or economic conversation with an individual from another country (as the conversation relates to the issues of the country)

I love getting a different perspective. Love it.

OK, I'm a lover of Time, but although it's exceptional reporting. It's Ameri-centric. Which is good sometimes, but lately...


I need to put things in perspective.

yep, saw this coming

so, i was on vacation in Missoula, MT for a week of mountain biking and frisbee golf. i ate when i was hungry. and, considering I biked for about 4hrs a day, that was often.
When i came back to Fargo i felt like i had lost weight (which i felt was good), but i couldn't get around the fear that for some reason i think i'm becoming a chunk.

What do i do?

What. do. i. do?

i feels like a lot of anxiety is making an appearance, what with a new semester getting closer.

for reasons i am still working out, when i get anxious I stop eating and start exercising whether going to the gym or biking 30+ miles a day. goddamnit i love biking, but it may kill me.

over last week or the week before or a few days ago, i've told myself i need to get back to the way i was. my pants don't fit right and i don't recall these abdominal rolls where they should not be.
this needs to be solved.

answer: -10lbs

C'mon now.

OK. So, the new CIA Director Panetta believes Cheney wants to see the U.S. attacked again? That's just hurtful!

I know Mr Cheney has gotten a lot of grief for loving the Patriot Act and many other pro-homeland security issues. But to suggest that he would allow for individuals to die for political capital is unreasonable, illogical and ultimately irresponsible.

I do not agree with the majority of ideologies Mr Cheney supports. However, as a person void of political manifesto, as a father, husband and american citizen he does not wish harm on anyone undeserving.

From reading several G. W. Bush biographies in my former years, I've come to the conclusion the Mr Cheney is like a grandfather of democracy. Sure, sometimes you have to shrug off several misguided nomenclatures, but wholly, he is a good man who wants what is right for the United States.

He's not sinister. Not a war monger. Not a puppet master. He's kind of like the U.S's grandpa: sweet.

the body check 1

ok, so this is a retro post.

Today, i noticed myself looking at parts of my body that are un comfortable to me:
1) abdomen
2) theighs

What am i supposed to do?
in treatment we're taught to not look at our triggering body parts. if we do, we logically, rationally examine them in a clinical setting. home is not like that.

I was doing well for a long long long time. but over the last month (may), I've been lifting up my shirt when i go to the bathroom, spending excessive time in front of the mirror changing and occasionally pinching what i believe to be body fat.

What is happening to me? why, all of a sudden, do i feel the urge to eat nothing all day and exercise forever? I don't get it.
though, i have several theories (maybe later)

I hope i lose weight for summer.
I shouldn't think that is true. but a part of me does.

hmmm, we'll see.

the season

Finally, it's that time of year when i get to bike everywhere. No gas, no engine, no traffic. Only the power of my legs. Oh! What a happy time.

When I bike to and from work it seems as though I allow myself to eat whatever I want. And that's good. But, the days that i don't bike, then, become difficult. Like i'm not doing anything deserving of food.

A part of me thinks if i were to bike every day i would eat enough. unfortunately, i cannot (for whatever reason), which leaves awkward restriction days in between days of legitimate eating/exercise.

I think i can keep this up. whatever "this" is.

The American Problem

There have been many stories written lately regarding who is at fault for the recession. TIME (I subscribe, so I quote them often), believes a large majority is wall street, the Economist says corporations brought hell to earth, but despite who is a part of the "blame list's" the number one remains... us.

Individuals living beyond their means have brought us to this point.


Not every child needs their own room.
One bathroom is not required for every person.
Each car does not need a garage.

Simple principles; if followed with not lead to financial ruin.

I know I make an unnecessary purchase from time to time (tattoos), but be self-aware.
As Time columnist Justin Fox put it, We're living in a one strike and you're out system. That's only true, however, if you live the American way (that is, to live beyond your means.)

We've bankrupted the banks!

The most beneficial action we can take now is to pay our bills.
Seriously.
It's time for America to grow up.

I wish I had robot insurance

Robot taking over the world seems a bit... apocalyptic? But FOX News is determined on making this Terminator Theory more threatening than it really is.

To explore: What if computer took over worldly operations? For one, we all would be significantly more efficient. Everything would have a reason – nothing random. Also, there would be a single currency and the world financial markets would be perfectly stable. Not that it would matter. 'Cause I assume computers don't need money, thus it would only be used by individuals. The nebulous world of hedge funds, dirivatives, mortgages and other computer system tracked banking would be obsolete. Cash would be the only currency. And it would be worth its weight in paper.

The Repost

And I will post it as I've found it, with a preface: The author may be a genius.

A book review for The Secret found on amazon.com.

“Please allow me to share with you how “The Secret” changed my life and in a very real and substantive way allowed me to overcome a severe crisis in my personal life. It is well known that the premise of “The Secret” is the science of attracting the things in life that you desire and need and in removing from your life those things that you don’t want. Before finding this book, I knew nothing of these principles, the process of positive visualization, and had actually engaged in reckless behaviors to the point of endangering my own life and wellbeing.

At age 36, I found myself in a medium security prison serving 3-5 years for destruction of government property and public intoxication. This was stiff punishment for drunkenly defecating in a mailbox but as the judge pointed out, this was my third conviction for the exact same crime. I obviously had an alcohol problem and a deep and intense disrespect for the postal system, but even more importantly I was ignoring the very fabric of our metaphysical reality and inviting destructive influences into my life.

My fourth day in prison was the first day that I was allowed in general population and while in the recreation yard I was approached by a prisoner named Marcus who calmly informed me that as a new prisoner I had been purchased by him for three packs of Winston cigarettes and 8 ounces of Pruno (prison wine). Marcus elaborated further that I could expect to be [...] raped by him on a daily basis and that I had pretty eyes. Needless to say, I was deeply shocked that my life had sunk to this level. Although I’ve never been homophobic I was discovering that I was very rape phobic and dismayed by my overall personal street value of roughly $15. I returned to my cell and sat very quietly, searching myself for answers on how I could improve my life and distance myself from harmful outside influences. At that point, in what I consider to be a miraculous moment, my cell mate Jim Norton informed me that he knew about the Marcus situation and that he had something that could solve my problems. He handed me a copy of “The Secret”. Normally I wouldn’t have turned to a self help book to resolve such a severe and immediate threat but I literally didn’t have any other available alternatives. I immediately opened the book and began to read.

The first few chapters deal with the essence of something called the “Law of Attraction” in which a primal universal force is available to us and can be harnessed for the betterment of our lives. The theoretical nature of the first few chapters wasn’t exactly putting me at peace. In fact, I had never meditated and had great difficulty with closing out the chaotic noises of the prison and visualizing the positive changes that I so dearly needed. It was when I reached Chapter 6 “The Secret to Relationships” that I realized how this book could help me distance myself from Marcus and his negative intentions. Starting with chapter six there was a cavity carved into the book and in that cavity was a prison shiv. This particular shiv was a toothbrush with a handle that had been repeatedly melted and ground into a razor sharp point.

The next day in the exercise yard I carried “The Secret” with me and when Marcus approached me I opened the book and stabbed him in the neck. The next eight weeks in solitary confinement provided ample time to practice positive visualization and the 16 hours per day of absolute darkness actually made visualization about the only thing that I actually could do. I’m not sure that everybody’s life will be changed in such a dramatic way by this book but I’m very thankful to have found it and will continue to recommend it heartily.”

the weigh it is

I haven't seen my weight in over a year. They (my dietitian, psychologist and doctor) only tell me it's stable. Right, stable. I've been maintaining within a few pounds, but it's been over a year. Normally, I would have been up and down 50+ lbs. This is completely new to me.

What bothers me in body image fluctuation. One week I look like I've gained 10lbs, but my weight remains stable.

I, almost, can't take it anymore. I've only eaten a little bit today. I should eat more, but it is difficult to look at my abdomen and want to eat.

Today has been rough.

Bill Gates releases malaria

Thought this was something everyone should read. I felt, fortunately, lucky to have an individual with such money and power in the world to have a soul.
it surprised me. Gates is a good man, now that he has conquered the world.

His heart is in the right place, even is it is a rather crass method of appealig to the masses.

Thanks, Bill.

The Blackjack

Blackjack is truly the game of life. I've been playing for years and years. The one thing I've got from the game: Sometimes the right move isn't the winning move.

A novice may take some time to realize this. But, with blackjack, you can't get down on yourself when you make the right move and lose. You must just be confident that you made the right move. Be satisfied with yourself first. Winning money is a bonus.

This website measures the percentage of correct choices, not winnings.

In the game of blackjack, one must confident in the correct choice whether or not it will win.