Written October 25, 2011:
and it seems odd that I think i shouldn't be here. sure when i was young it felt like i had a future, but nothing certain i could see myself doing. Not how i'm going to die, but how i will get old. How will I age? I don't think about future in reality, only dream-like wishes. Things I think.
As i get older I recall a past i never intended. I am rarely surprised by the people i've met and the places i've been. This has never been more true than in my own mind - it is truly the farthest i have been. climbing over nountains, through dense tangled forests of the mind wholly complete with their physical counterparts.
To see a cave, through which one feels is almost certain terror, death, the unbearable.
it's not unique to me.
but to enter the terror. the overwhelming anxiety. then... the release. clean grass on the other side. family, friends, rejuvenation - a different life.
entering the darkness is against our biology. our evolved reasoning. So unnatural. so why was it done?
because i stood looking in and looking behind me.
the world i wanted, the one i chose and struggled to keep was quickly closing in around me. taking everything i loved. and soon it would come for me.
i crept slowly into the cave. into the darkness and dread and death i felt around me. saying goodbye to the world i had created - my comfort, the safety.
now looking forward to nothingness. only abyss. i sometimes walk slowly. i sometimes stop. cautious of the cold and discomfort, the traps and terror. i pursue the indefinite as the fears, voices and faces fade behind me.
here i am, not out or through only here. i now had nothing. alone. not in my world. not even with myself any longer. i was nothing. surrounded by nothing.
i feel an absolute fear.
