hindsight

It's easy to say, looking back, that I should have seen it coming. and i did. but i didn't stop. often people say self-harming activities are involuntary, compulsive or both, as to suggest one is deseased.

I started drinking heavily, daily and without remorse fall 2009. Continuing the pattern until, along with other factors, it led to my hospitalisation in April.

The clarity i've felt with sobriety has given me the vision to evaluate my past choices. There are a lot of things I wish I would have done differently and nothing was ever as bad as I made it out to be. If fact, one could argue I'm in a more difficult place now. Trying to clean things up and befriending the guy in the mirror.

Recovery is eerie. Mostly unpleasant and often uncomfortable. So why do it?

Kid is legitimate

I love this article. The way the writer discipled his child. when they were both younger and they road in bike lanes and traffic together.

"We taught him the rules of the road. And as he got older, we started getting him to take the lead as we rode. In grade 6 he started the short commute to his elementary school by himself."

wonderful. i hope to have that kind of relationship with a child of mine. teaching conservation, healthy living, independence, and fun. yeah, commuting is tons of fun. no joke.
but i think after the end of the article in the author bio, their relationship is very clear. loving.

"His 14 year old son Andy is in grade 8, plays a wicked fiddle and sometimes performs with his father’s band."

I hope my son is confident and instructed enough at ten to ride to school alone.
Well, it's something to strive for.

it's gonna have to start making sense soon

I'm at the lowest i've been in a long time. I'm scared about not being able to finish school or not being able to do tasks at work.

Still trying to figure out how this whole eating thing is connected to stress and anxiety. Something that has been talked about in my therapy session at length many times. Answer: It just is. they're just connected. Presumably, something happened a long time ago and my brain connected body-image to self-worth. so it goes, when the world doesn't work out the way I want it to I can feel better about myself for losing weight.

I feel like I've been at this place before. Having the same thoughts circling my head. "I want to focus in classes, but i don't feel like eating enough for the energy"
"Maybe this could be fixed with fewer pounds"

It's gonna have to start making sense soon.

Oh, the horror and excitement of the deadline.

Strange, it's almost midterm and my first assignment is due tomorrow. At least I've had enough time for research.

I'm realizing now that I'm quite methodical beginning my writing process. I like my space clean, which can be an adventure by itself. I need music to get pumped up. Incense. And most recently, do some pre-writing before the real thing. That could technically be the outline and rough draft -- had I a rough draft. So, this time I'll be going off my outline, which is complete enough.

Four to six pages isn't much. I think if I just stare at the monitor I can get two. So that leaves me and my brain to write about three pages in twenty-four hours. I think this is possible. possibly. And then when I come home from class tomorrow and the weight of one deadline has been lifted I will finally enjoy my white russian truffle.

I just have to think about a theme. OK, got it. Now i need to start with something good. A quote, yes, and better if it's an infinitive, even better. OK now I'm getting somewhere. Shit, i'm 25. This should be good then.

Thank You, Ms. Lizzie MIller

Confident, attractive, happy. Nothing describes her better.
Thank you, Ms. Miller.
OK, I know I'm more than belated on getting this out. I was just doing some research and saw it again.

The stark contrast between her photo and other common low-weight models is that she looks happy and doesn't have this look of self-justified entitled confidence. She appears sure of herself. And that, as many studies will ensure me, is more attractive than some contrived, societal given label of worth.

Like the mona lisa, in as far as enormity of social comparisons, (i know, it's a micro-scale comparison) Lizzie Miller has given women much to contemplate about themselves. To Appeal to other women? Or, to appeal to what men truly find attractive. I believe that's the dilemma. A social v. self scenario that has manifested in the form of indignation v. intelligence.

look at her thighs. look at her neck. her abdomen. then look at her genuine smile. her whole body. her healthy skin. her soft hips.

the difference is adjectives. and the adjectives give emotion, feeling.
thank you, Ms. Miller for being a conduit of emotion. Something so genuine and unfamiliar. That's unfortunate.

But may we consider ourselves fortunate, as we are all imperfect, and within that share the extraordinary, prevalent nature of self-worth. being defined only to ones self (and objective influences). as Ms. Miller is to my dream of confident, attractive, happy women everywhere I am hopeful my enthusiasm of realistic feminine ideals spreads equally and generously.

and i'm a part of it.

college started again.
fuck!
it's better than fall 2008 though. (the last time i played)
i say played because at this time it seems less like learning and more like, well, you know...

magazine writing is the name of the game this semester. and if i can crank out two quality feature length stories within the next couple months i'll be doing alright.
to be honest, i'm tired. tired.
tired of going on field trips. tired of classmates not having their reading done only to have the same reading assigned for the next class, which i had already done. ugh, my lamentations are complex.

perhaps the morning light will burn away the chaff of the idea.
as i am hopeful the sun will do every morning.
god, i love mornings.

airport security

in comparison to Israel's airport security to the U.S.
"Despite facing dozens of potential threats each day, the security set-up at Israel's largest hub, Tel Aviv's Ben Gurion International Airport, has not been breached since 2002, when a passenger mistakenly carried a handgun onto a flight. How do they manage that?"

In short, they look at people's eyes and are highly trained to recognize suspicious behavior. Instead of being trained at searching through luggage, profiling, and hoping their shifts get over shortly so they can pick up Jimmy from the sitters in time to make it home for Price is Right.

To summarize:
"Even today with the heightened security in North America, they will check your items to death. But they will never look at you, at how you behave. They will never look into your eyes ... and that's how you figure out the bad guys from the good guys."

Great story, check it out!