A Letter Found

Written October 25, 2011:

and it seems odd that I think i shouldn't be here. sure when i was young it felt like i had a future, but nothing certain i could see myself doing. Not how i'm going to die, but how i will get old. How will I age? I don't think about future in reality, only dream-like wishes. Things I think.
As i get older I recall a past i never intended. I am rarely surprised by the people i've met and the places i've been. This has never been more true than in my own mind - it is truly the farthest i have been. climbing over nountains, through dense tangled forests of the mind wholly complete with their physical counterparts.

To see a cave, through which one feels is almost certain terror, death, the unbearable.
it's not unique to me.
but to enter the terror. the overwhelming anxiety. then... the release. clean grass on the other side. family, friends, rejuvenation - a different life.

entering the darkness is against our biology. our evolved reasoning. So unnatural. so why was it done?
because i stood looking in and looking behind me.
the world i wanted, the one i chose and struggled to keep was quickly closing in around me. taking everything i loved. and soon it would come for me.
i crept slowly into the cave. into the darkness and dread and death i felt around me. saying goodbye to the world i had created - my comfort, the safety.

now looking forward to nothingness. only abyss. i sometimes walk slowly. i sometimes stop. cautious of the cold and discomfort, the traps and terror. i pursue the indefinite as the fears, voices and faces fade behind me.

here i am, not out or through only here. i now had nothing. alone. not in my world. not even with myself any longer. i was nothing. surrounded by nothing.
i feel an absolute fear.

the times they are a changin'

I made several changes to the content and design of the blog.

First, I've decided to combine another blog i was trying to keep up, called Not Otherwise Specified about my struggles and recovery with an eating disorder, with this one. I felt i was hiding a large part of myself on another page. In another area. Well, I'm all here now and some posts will be more personal than the other rubbish I pass as significant. Enjoy.

Note all NOS posts were imported chronologically, meaning if you'd like to read them search key words.

Second, the look is obviously different and hopefully I'll get to changing the wallpaper when seasonally or mood appropriate.

much love.
adam.

$700 Week

so i gave these hikers a ride around town today. i like to be a good Samaritan, i do, but is it still good if you give them a lift to the liquor store? why not! right?
though it was funny when one came out, rushed to the car and said, "Go, go. I think they're coming after!" "Holy shit," i thought. He said no just kidding i bought these.

fair enough, he got me. went back to their camp chilled for a bit until they decided to go "burn spoons."

most had been on the road for years. one for only months. i've always been interested in the culture - the tricks and survival and people. a different population. nomads. getting by by whatever means possible. as we talked they told stories of faking seizures and heart attacks while others grabbed food and made off.

the moral relativism that comes with survival would be difficult for me so stomach. consider an empty stomach and some will do much more than common law permits.

the idealistic part of traveling is not having to answer to a job or college or collectors or the general population. it's simplistic. "a rush," as he put it, to stand out with a sign uncertain of what avail. scares me enough not to think about it too much.

but what if...
and that's as far as it goes for me.

meanwhile i can dabble and dip my toe and think i've really done something when all i've done is drive a bit buy a meal and go home watch TV text friends eat fresh and blog.

seems pious.
maybe so.
but my heart is halfway there.

Kelly Clarkson via Gaslight Anthem's Brian Fallon

i can't believe this song translates so well. nicely done, brian fallon from gaslight anthem!
http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif





enjoy
lyrics here

hindsight

It's easy to say, looking back, that I should have seen it coming. and i did. but i didn't stop. often people say self-harming activities are involuntary, compulsive or both, as to suggest one is deseased.

I started drinking heavily, daily and without remorse fall 2009. Continuing the pattern until, along with other factors, it led to my hospitalisation in April.

The clarity i've felt with sobriety has given me the vision to evaluate my past choices. There are a lot of things I wish I would have done differently and nothing was ever as bad as I made it out to be. If fact, one could argue I'm in a more difficult place now. Trying to clean things up and befriending the guy in the mirror.

Recovery is eerie. Mostly unpleasant and often uncomfortable. So why do it?

Kid is legitimate

I love this article. The way the writer discipled his child. when they were both younger and they road in bike lanes and traffic together.

"We taught him the rules of the road. And as he got older, we started getting him to take the lead as we rode. In grade 6 he started the short commute to his elementary school by himself."

wonderful. i hope to have that kind of relationship with a child of mine. teaching conservation, healthy living, independence, and fun. yeah, commuting is tons of fun. no joke.
but i think after the end of the article in the author bio, their relationship is very clear. loving.

"His 14 year old son Andy is in grade 8, plays a wicked fiddle and sometimes performs with his father’s band."

I hope my son is confident and instructed enough at ten to ride to school alone.
Well, it's something to strive for.

it's gonna have to start making sense soon

I'm at the lowest i've been in a long time. I'm scared about not being able to finish school or not being able to do tasks at work.

Still trying to figure out how this whole eating thing is connected to stress and anxiety. Something that has been talked about in my therapy session at length many times. Answer: It just is. they're just connected. Presumably, something happened a long time ago and my brain connected body-image to self-worth. so it goes, when the world doesn't work out the way I want it to I can feel better about myself for losing weight.

I feel like I've been at this place before. Having the same thoughts circling my head. "I want to focus in classes, but i don't feel like eating enough for the energy"
"Maybe this could be fixed with fewer pounds"

It's gonna have to start making sense soon.