Assignment 5

In my seventh week of substance abuse treatment the assignment is to write an autobiography. Or, rather, summarize ones life with emphasis on significant addictive events, tragedy, moments of personal growth, and religion (because one can't get clean without religion, but that's for another time.)

Of course, the glaring difficulty with asking someone who has had frequent blackouts over the last decade to recall specific events of that decade is obvious.

Dozens of memoirs are on my bookshelves. The majority of them I've read. They fall into two categories. The authors who write what happened, however crude or objectionable; and the authors who write what happened followed by understanding, perspective and often remorse. That is not to say either author doesn't feel remorse or guilt -- a mistake I feel critics make if the author doesn't explicitly state regret -- only they have made the editorial decision that writing about it plays a significant role in the narrative. Most times, I think, this is done to appease the detractors.

Ultimately, I realize people will think what they want, and often, likely, say it to my face.

So, step one in writing a narrative of drug history: be confident, honest and humble.

Here we go...

$700 Week

so i gave these hikers a ride around town today. i like to be a good Samaritan, i do, but is it still good if you give them a lift to the liquor store? why not! right?
though it was funny when one came out, rushed to the car and said, "Go, go. I think they're coming after!" "Holy shit," i thought. He said no just kidding i bought these.

fair enough, he got me. went back to their camp chilled for a bit until they decided to go "burn spoons."

most had been on the road for years. one for only months. i've always been interested in the culture - the tricks and survival and people. a different population. nomads. getting by by whatever means possible. as we talked they told stories of faking seizures and heart attacks while others grabbed food and made off.

the moral relativism that comes with survival would be difficult for me so stomach. consider an empty stomach and some will do much more than common law permits.

the idealistic part of traveling is not having to answer to a job or college or collectors or the general population. it's simplistic. "a rush," as he put it, to stand out with a sign uncertain of what avail. scares me enough not to think about it too much.

but what if...
and that's as far as it goes for me.

meanwhile i can dabble and dip my toe and think i've really done something when all i've done is drive a bit buy a meal and go home watch TV text friends eat fresh and blog.

seems pious.
maybe so.
but my heart is halfway there.

hindsight

It's easy to say, looking back, that I should have seen it coming. and i did. but i didn't stop. often people say self-harming activities are involuntary, compulsive or both, as to suggest one is deseased.

I started drinking heavily, daily and without remorse fall 2009. Continuing the pattern until, along with other factors, it led to my hospitalisation in April.

The clarity i've felt with sobriety has given me the vision to evaluate my past choices. There are a lot of things I wish I would have done differently and nothing was ever as bad as I made it out to be. If fact, one could argue I'm in a more difficult place now. Trying to clean things up and befriending the guy in the mirror.

Recovery is eerie. Mostly unpleasant and often uncomfortable. So why do it?